I’ll admit. Every once in a great while a movie will make me water up in the ol’ eye-sockets. I know this goes against every pre-supposition about men, but we are not as emotionally rock solid as we claim to be. That being said, I’ve decided to help people understand the man tears rating system. You’ll have to forgive the frequent references to the Patriot, it’s just a testosterone tear jerker.
Any man who cries on film get’s negative tears. We don’t like to see men cry. There are two notable exceptions to this: Jack Bauer and Jack Shepard, these men don’t cry because they are hurt, they cry when there is no one left to punch in the face. Sort of like Alexander the Great crying because there is nothing left to conquer. We feel that, even if we’re not stranded on an Island or hunting terrorists for fun.
This is the technical definition for any scene with natural beauty and emotional music playing in the background. Natural beauty is awesome, but we don’t cry at it. As the camera pans over the landscape and the eagle soars in the distance we don’t think “That’s so beautiful, I think I’ll cry”. No, what’s really going on is “I bet that would be a great spot to hunt/fish/snipe from”.
This is when the eyes well up just a little. All but undetectable, except to the highly observant spouse. Few thing consistently move a man like animals who die by any means other than hunting. I dare you to find a man who didn’t think, if not shout, “NOT THE HORSE, NOT THE HORSE!” during The Patriot. We cringe and die a little on the inside. Remember that guy who knocked a ducks head off with a golf club? You ever hear about him ever again? Nope, he’s in hiding because he knows what will happen to him if he comes out.
Noticeable water in the eyes, rapid eye movement and blinking to hide it. This is when someone, somehow finds freedom. And even better is when they use their freedom to choose to help those who enslaved them.
It’s the ultimate act of man love.
For the girl who admits the universal stupidity of women and falls into the arms of her hot doctor/childhood friend. Rare, but true. (Thanks to Bonnie)
Noticeable tears running down the cheeks. Two ways this can go, one good and one bad. The good is when a man undergoes a bonding experience with his biological or adopted child. It’s pure man love there. You can’t even try not to cry during The Patriot when Benjamin Martins little daughter run towards him on the beach screaming “Don’t go Daddy, don’t Go! I’ll say anything you want”. I’m tearing up thinking about it. Martian child is another great example of this, sans the whole war thing.
The Bad is when a family member dies, couple that with some moving classical music and you’ve got the ingredients for a sob fest. It touches men doubly because they know they are the protector for their family and you’ve failed. You’ve got the double whammy from a pain of failure, and a pain of loss. It’s a super sized combo meal of man pain.
The rivers that gushes from the eyes after receiving a roundhouse kick to the family jewels from Chuck Norris. (Thanks to Drew)
I’m sure I’ve missed a few important ones, but this is a good starting point. If you can think of any I should add, leave a comment and I’ll be sure to update it.