“The Underground” or “This is only funny if you read books”

I’m not saying JK Rowling can see the future. I’m also not saying that Barack Obama is like Lord Voldemort. What I am saying, is that Book 7 of the Harry Potter series gave  me a few ideas about what life could be like if say, a guy came to power who wasn’t exactly a friend of freedom of the press and might possibly burst into Fox News and shut it down faster than you can say “Harry Potter’s teenage angst.”  Where will all the good people go? What will Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity do when they are no longer allowed to broadcast the truth? What will happen when our freedoms are taken away and we are pursued by Dark Wizards and forced out of our homes?

I’ll tell you what is going to happen, we are going underground. So friends, if Obama wins, we need to have a plan. We need to have a good plan. We need to pack our bags and gather supplies just in case, kind of like the whole Y2K scare back in 2000 when my dad filled our garage with rice, beans, and 34 years worth of toilet paper. There may not be any danger, but who can live without rice, beans, and toilet paper? And if nothing happens, who doesn’t love to eat rice and beans for 2 years and give away toilet paper to dinner guests? Always be prepared! So in case the worst happens, I have taken a few hints from Harry Potter and compiled a packing list and emergency plan  for those of us who understand that the world will, in fact, go to pieces if Obama becomes President.

1. Camping Supplies

Book 7, “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” has also been affectionately named “Harry Goes Camping.” It is essentially a record of a very long camping trip in which Harry, Ron, and Hermione hide from Lord Voldemort and plot his demise. I think this is a brilliant plan for escaping Obama and his Death Eaters cronies. If we flee to the woods, I am certain that we will not be pursued, if only because the further you travel into the woods, the less likely you will be able to find a 5-star hotel to bring you  lobster appetizers and towels folded into a perfect image of Karl Marx.  Be sure to pack a magical tent that looks shabby on the outside, but is in reality a 5 bedroom, fully operational vacation home. I promise you, liberals will not go near a shabby tent in the woods. They are too busy having cocktail parties and bowing down to foreign leaders who hate America. Be sure to buy a model that can be folded up instantly and stuffed into a sandwich bag in case we need to flee unexpectedly. We can’t have you wrestling with tent poles ropes when we are on the run.

2. Wireless Radio

Wizards don’t watch tv, they gather around the radio like old-timey folks. As important as talk radio is for real Americans now, it will be vital to the survival of thinking people everywhere under the Obama dictatorship. In Book 7, we learn that Ron’s twin brothers are broadcasting the truth over the airwaves at great cost to their lives. In order to tune in, Ron has to tap the radio with his wand and say the password. America, make sure you arm yourself with a wireless radio exactly like the old-timey ones that the wizards listen to. The Fox News people who escape with their lives, along with Rush and Sean, will continue to broadcast the truth. I intend to pitch our tent really close to theirs so maybe I could be like…an intern or something and work my way up to anchorbabe and get to wear classy designer clothes and shiny lipstick. Anyways, just tap your radio with a stick and say the password “Sarah Palin is my hero” until you hear something that sounds like the truth. And make sure you turn it on first.

3. Invisibility Cloak

This is a must.  In order to broadcast the truth, and after I work my way up to anchorbabe “Bonnie C Horton Extraordinaire Warrior for Truth” we will need some way of getting news from the outside world. We will also need to venture into town for supplies. One can only go so long without Diet Dr. Pepper and other important wilderness survival supplies. Under the Cloak of Invisibility, we can sneak into Washington (which will be renamed “Barashingbama”) and get the low down on what’s going down in B-town. As for supplies, we can sneak into the government-run grocery stores, only we won’t have to stand in line for our 3 pieces of bread and cup of lukewarm water. We are good capitalists, however, so we will always pay a fair price with money we earned for our supplies and be on our way. If a wayward warrior for truth happens to used the invisibility cloak for stealing Diet Dr. Pepper and M&M’s, well then we will just have to smile and look the other way.

4. Sarah Palin

She can hunt, have babies, and is a native Alaskan. Nuff said. Don’t go anywhere without your Sarah Palin. Hermione might be the brains of the operation, but can she shoot a deer, dress it, and make it into hearty deer stew?I don’t think so.

5. My Dad

He can’t have babies, but my dad is a very useful guy to have around. If Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer aren’t around, he is the next-best thing. He will hunt, shoot, punch, and lecture his way up to the top of the resistance leadership. If he were a Harry Potter character, he would be a cross between Dumbledore and Hagrid.  When your back is against the wall, you need the wise, older man who can crush his enemies with a look and also grow hearty vegetables behind his tent.

I Forgot What I Was Saying….

So what am I proposing? At this point, I completely forgot. I think that I’m proposing that if Barack Obama wins, he will be come a Dark Wizard and appoint his cabinet members as Death Eaters who will seek out and destroy anyone who dares tell the truth about him. Those of us who oppose him will flee to the woods and join forces with whoever is left of the conservative media. After setting up our magical tents, we will operate an illegal talk radio station using old-timey wireless radios that you have to bang with a stick. I will become a premier anchorbabe and use an invisibility cloak to ferret out information and steal Diet Dr. Pepper and M&M’s. Sarah Palin will join us and increase our butt-kicking abilities, and my dad will slowly rise to power in the underground resistance movement using his wealth of knowledge and superior Jack-Bauer meets Chuck Norris meets Dumbledore meets Hagrid skills.

Emergency Contingency Plan: I

If we are chased out of our campsite, I think I know a guy in Midland, Texas who has some land where we can pitch our tents. I think he and his classy wife would welcome us with open arms and a big glass of sweet tea.

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11 Comments

Filed under Bonnie chatters endlessly

11 responses to ““The Underground” or “This is only funny if you read books”

  1. I laughed rather heartily. Still laughing actually. I hope you don’t get too many comments taking you far too seriously.

    Y2K – Was it only 2 years? I remember eating Y2K rice pretty much every time I came over.

    Your dad = Dumbledore + Hagrid ?! I’m still laughing my butt off.

  2. ravnistic

    Brilliant!

    But where do I fit in?

  3. Bonnie

    ahahahahah

    I’m taking Fox News, Rush, Sean, Sarah Palin……AND I FORGOT TO PACK MY HUSBAND!

    Sorry Babe

  4. Bonnie

    :sigh: you have put me in a sort of a quandry. If I edit you in now, then everyone will want to know what Harry Potter character they would be, and then the whole thing will just get way out of hand. Since Adam is writing his own blog in the comment section, then I will take a cue from him and invent the “Things I Forgot to Say Sub-Blog”

    I will be, of course, taking my hottie-tottie husband Brian. His camping skills are superior, as well as his ability to cook anything over a fire and somehow transform it into a 12-course gourmet meal. He is also a wealth of technical and useful information, and will quickly rise to the inner circle of the resistance. Brian will be the guy in the background, quietly cooking gourmet meals and doing a little spy work on the side. I’m pretty sure this makes him a hybrid of Molly Weasely and Remus Lupin.

  5. “5. My Dad – He can’t have babies, but my dad is a very useful guy to have around.”

    that is my absolute favorite part to this entire thing. Other than the pure amazingness of it.

    Let me just say that I am incredibly impressed and at the same time a little sad that i have yet been able to finish reading the Harry Potter books. I start 5 (i think) right before school started and haven’t picked it up since :*(

  6. ravnistic

    Well my dear, I will let you off the hook this time..

    Sniff.. And with all I do for you… =)

    Elizabeth’s avatar is amazing.

  7. Apryl

    HAHAHA!
    The part about Dad is classic! Giving toilet paper to dinner guest…pretty sure that really happend…along with huge bags of pancake mix and large cans of cheese….yum

  8. And when you have a bunch of bottles of DDP lying around that still have some in them because you are afraid to drink the whole thing; you can spill them on the Barack Obama aliens that will try to stuff poison up your nose.

  9. Bonnie

    AHAHA

    Amazing.

    Cuz Barack Obama aliens are highly allergic to backwashed Diet Dr. Pepper.

  10. Big Daddy

    Walker and Jack I get, but I’m not exactly sure who Dumbledore and Hagrid are? Weren’t they finalists in season three of Idol?

  11. Bonnie

    ::sigh::

    Sure Dad. =)

    I guess I can’t write ugly things about my parents now that you are a reader…

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