I’m not saying JK Rowling can see the future. I’m also not saying that Barack Obama is like Lord Voldemort. What I am saying, is that Book 7 of the Harry Potter series gave me a few ideas about what life could be like if say, a guy came to power who wasn’t exactly a friend of freedom of the press and might possibly burst into Fox News and shut it down faster than you can say “Harry Potter’s teenage angst.” Where will all the good people go? What will Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity do when they are no longer allowed to broadcast the truth? What will happen when our freedoms are taken away and we are pursued by Dark Wizards and forced out of our homes?
I’ll tell you what is going to happen, we are going underground. So friends, if Obama wins, we need to have a plan. We need to have a good plan. We need to pack our bags and gather supplies just in case, kind of like the whole Y2K scare back in 2000 when my dad filled our garage with rice, beans, and 34 years worth of toilet paper. There may not be any danger, but who can live without rice, beans, and toilet paper? And if nothing happens, who doesn’t love to eat rice and beans for 2 years and give away toilet paper to dinner guests? Always be prepared! So in case the worst happens, I have taken a few hints from Harry Potter and compiled a packing list and emergency plan for those of us who understand that the world will, in fact, go to pieces if Obama becomes President.
1. Camping Supplies
Book 7, “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” has also been affectionately named “Harry Goes Camping.” It is essentially a record of a very long camping trip in which Harry, Ron, and Hermione hide from Lord Voldemort and plot his demise. I think this is a brilliant plan for escaping Obama and his Death Eaters cronies. If we flee to the woods, I am certain that we will not be pursued, if only because the further you travel into the woods, the less likely you will be able to find a 5-star hotel to bring you lobster appetizers and towels folded into a perfect image of Karl Marx. Be sure to pack a magical tent that looks shabby on the outside, but is in reality a 5 bedroom, fully operational vacation home. I promise you, liberals will not go near a shabby tent in the woods. They are too busy having cocktail parties and bowing down to foreign leaders who hate America. Be sure to buy a model that can be folded up instantly and stuffed into a sandwich bag in case we need to flee unexpectedly. We can’t have you wrestling with tent poles ropes when we are on the run.
2. Wireless Radio
Wizards don’t watch tv, they gather around the radio like old-timey folks. As important as talk radio is for real Americans now, it will be vital to the survival of thinking people everywhere under the Obama dictatorship. In Book 7, we learn that Ron’s twin brothers are broadcasting the truth over the airwaves at great cost to their lives. In order to tune in, Ron has to tap the radio with his wand and say the password. America, make sure you arm yourself with a wireless radio exactly like the old-timey ones that the wizards listen to. The Fox News people who escape with their lives, along with Rush and Sean, will continue to broadcast the truth. I intend to pitch our tent really close to theirs so maybe I could be like…an intern or something and work my way up to anchorbabe and get to wear classy designer clothes and shiny lipstick. Anyways, just tap your radio with a stick and say the password “Sarah Palin is my hero” until you hear something that sounds like the truth. And make sure you turn it on first.
3. Invisibility Cloak
This is a must. In order to broadcast the truth, and after I work my way up to anchorbabe “Bonnie C Horton Extraordinaire Warrior for Truth” we will need some way of getting news from the outside world. We will also need to venture into town for supplies. One can only go so long without Diet Dr. Pepper and other important wilderness survival supplies. Under the Cloak of Invisibility, we can sneak into Washington (which will be renamed “Barashingbama”) and get the low down on what’s going down in B-town. As for supplies, we can sneak into the government-run grocery stores, only we won’t have to stand in line for our 3 pieces of bread and cup of lukewarm water. We are good capitalists, however, so we will always pay a fair price with money we earned for our supplies and be on our way. If a wayward warrior for truth happens to used the invisibility cloak for stealing Diet Dr. Pepper and M&M’s, well then we will just have to smile and look the other way.
4. Sarah Palin
She can hunt, have babies, and is a native Alaskan. Nuff said. Don’t go anywhere without your Sarah Palin. Hermione might be the brains of the operation, but can she shoot a deer, dress it, and make it into hearty deer stew?I don’t think so.
5. My Dad
He can’t have babies, but my dad is a very useful guy to have around. If Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer aren’t around, he is the next-best thing. He will hunt, shoot, punch, and lecture his way up to the top of the resistance leadership. If he were a Harry Potter character, he would be a cross between Dumbledore and Hagrid. When your back is against the wall, you need the wise, older man who can crush his enemies with a look and also grow hearty vegetables behind his tent.
I Forgot What I Was Saying….
So what am I proposing? At this point, I completely forgot. I think that I’m proposing that if Barack Obama wins, he will be come a Dark Wizard and appoint his cabinet members as Death Eaters who will seek out and destroy anyone who dares tell the truth about him. Those of us who oppose him will flee to the woods and join forces with whoever is left of the conservative media. After setting up our magical tents, we will operate an illegal talk radio station using old-timey wireless radios that you have to bang with a stick. I will become a premier anchorbabe and use an invisibility cloak to ferret out information and steal Diet Dr. Pepper and M&M’s. Sarah Palin will join us and increase our butt-kicking abilities, and my dad will slowly rise to power in the underground resistance movement using his wealth of knowledge and superior Jack-Bauer meets Chuck Norris meets Dumbledore meets Hagrid skills.
Emergency Contingency Plan: I
If we are chased out of our campsite, I think I know a guy in Midland, Texas who has some land where we can pitch our tents. I think he and his classy wife would welcome us with open arms and a big glass of sweet tea.