Dear Cheese, Butter, and Milk,
I was given the most shocking news last night. I won’t play with your emotions or leave you in suspense, so I will just say it.
I can’t have you anymore.
Be assured that I will miss you with all my heart. I will miss the five dollar Little Caesar’s pepperoni pizza. I will sorely miss nachos and cheese. I will ache mightily over coffee creamers, holiday cheese balls, fluffy mashed potatoes, buttered toast, waffles and pancakes. I don’t know how I will live without cookies, pies, and Key Lime Goodberry’s Custard. The thought of Blue Bell Ice Cream is like a knife to my heart, and words cannot express the gaping hole in my heart where grilled cheese sandwiches used to be.
Farewell Tex-Mex and Panera Asiago Cheese Bagel with Lite Veggie Cream Cheese. Farewell creamy soups poured into a yummy bread bowl. Adieu, banana pudding and most every dish cooked in Texas.
The truth is this. You make me ill. Truly, you sicken me. I can’t seem to get enough of you, but frankly, you are not good for me. You keep me awake at night and make rumblings in my tummy. You pepper my face with acne and clog my liver. You add extra pounds to my frame and make my seasonal allergies most unbearable. Though I will miss you, I will not miss the excruciating migraines, the time spent lying awake with stomach cramps, or the never-ending “blah” feeling.
Take heart my old friends, though my life is about to change and the grief is overwhelming, I have found solace in dairy-free cookie mix and fresh fruits and vegetables. Coconut oil will bridge the gap between my stomach and my famous Christmas Chex Mix. Rice Milk will keep my cereal moist, and Extra Virgin Olive Oil will provide the butter alternate needed for cooking. I will learn to love your cousins, Goat Cheese and Sheep Feta, though none can ever replace Vermont Sharp Cheddar and it’s biting taste and cheesy goodness. Perhaps I will find a new era of health and well-being in a world where you do not exist. Perhaps we will become reaquainted in the future. I do not know what the future holds, but I do know this:
You must go, for I must live.
Kicks and Giggles,